Just a Little Review about Movies I've been watching lately

Okay, firstly I have watched The Best of Me.

I cried a lot until I felt my face funny. It felt like my lips, my eyes and my nose had gone bigger than usual!

And secondly, I watched The Theory of Everything.

This made my heart ached and I started crying too. My brothers laughed at me for being an idiot because I will always cried every time I watch romance movies. I couldn't help it. Steven was just such a sweet and brilliant guy and his ex wife, Jane had been so good and loyal by his side until they separated.

But I cried even more because Jane and Steven got divorce because they have no love toward each other anymore. Well I have to accept it though because not every beautiful movies would end with such a happy ending *sighed*

But (there are so many buts, but well it will be coming more from me because I just have to use it!) we all knew fairy tales does not exist and it rarely happens. Not every people get what they desired and that too, including me. I desired for many things and I am not sure if I could make them happen.

But I doubt they would ever happen.

I...(oh God, am I going to cry while typing this entry? I hope not) I am disappointed with myself, but please don't tell anyone that I said it out loud. Nobody knows I'm disappointed with myself. Not even my family and not even my closest friends. I need to keep it to myself, alone.

So, having a blog do have their own benefits, I am surprised. Because, I love to talk, a lot. And I have no one to talk to. I just haven't meet the person that will ever be ready to listen to my talk. My friends, let's just say, I put on my facade. I appears happy and cheerful in front of them, like nothing matter to me.

And my family? Well, I don't want to burden them with what I feel deep inside my heart. I've got family problems and we don't know when it's going to be settled.

I even shouted at my brother, that I would never coming back home when I have my own work, when I don't have to rely on my parents but that doesn't mean I would forget their sacrifices for me. I meant, my mom, did sacrificed her life to deliver me, didn't she?

That happens a lot, I meant those shouting. I would always yelled at him because he has always being an asshole. He would say things to me that triggered me to say mean things to him, back. Each time he get back at me, I would always get back at him too, with even meanest things. And tell you what, sometimes I even broke down in front of him. I lost my control, and I felt so so so angry at him that my heart hurts so deep and I wished, I wished I could smack something like a glass, a stone or whatever hard thing onto his smug face.

That's his advantage. Being all smug while saying mean things to me, like he have no heart while saying those things. He would use my weaknesses to get back at me and when I failed to lash it all out to him, I break.

I meant, I was tired! I was tired fighting over stupid thing with him. You know the feeling? The feeling when you have so much to say, so many things to let it all out of you, so many things you are angered of, and you feel so tired, exhausted, but at the same time you want to hit him, slap him hard, but you can't. If you can, it would be the biggest outburst you ever made.

So, because you can't but those feeling was burning inside of you, begging to be unleashed, you break!

And how did I break?

I cried.

The truth is, I hate crying! I really really really hate crying because people   my family or even my friends would think of me as a weak girl. I hate crying because there will be people judging me! They would say I cried because I want their sympathize when I do not want them!

I rarely cried. I cross my finger, I have a stone heart. But that stone heart turns into such a softie when I watch chick flick movies xD

I know I am a mean girl, but hey, I did restrained myself from slapping, hitting my brother right so doesn't that count?

I kid. Haha. I wanna cry right now but I don't know whether I want to or not.

Let's cut this short, my parents never count me as their brilliant daughter. Well, if I'm not their brilliant daughter, I could be their smart daughter or a genius daughter, couldn't I?

I couldn't because my brother will always be their brilliant son.

Yeah, because he is. He learnt Chinese Language at the age 4 while I'm not even a fluent Malay and English speaker. I was 6, he was 4 but he got me down, and I am...

ashamed of it. I'm still is.

He was the top student in his Chinese Kindergarten, since 4 years old until he went primary school and he still was the top student whereas I'm just an average student.

I am the type that scored As,Bs and Cs student. So that is average unlike him, he scored all As, never once Bs or Cs or lower than that.

I'm jealous?

Well of course I am!

Who wouldn't? Who wouldn't get jealous when their parents praises the other sibling while you were left aside, like a stranger in your own family?

Haha, big laughs for me. Laughing all I want for my own misery. The comparison was too unbearable for me.

But this is life so you just have to live it. I am still grateful for what I have in my life though. Because of what happens in my life, I become a better person, more positive person that I can't even feel anything. I don't think I have a heart anymore. I don't think I would cry if anything bad happen to my family.

I just... don't know that I sometimes would ask myself, 'Do I still have my heart? Do I would cry if I read anything sad?'

I just couldn't anymore because when I feel those, I will feel them deep, so deep that I might not be able to get myself out from it.


Well, anyhow I felt relieved for being able to share my feelings with some... else. I'm okay now, really. Goodbye.